


Holding On

by sugarmoons



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Angst, Fluff, Hogwarts Eighth Year, Multi, Post-Battle of Hogwarts, Roommates, eighth year, slowburn, well attempted slowburn we'll see
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-02-12
Updated: 2019-02-27
Packaged: 2019-10-27 01:40:26
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 3,601
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17757368
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sugarmoons/pseuds/sugarmoons
Summary: Draco knows life at Hogwarts is going to be difficult. Being affiliated with Voldemort until the end of the war does that to ones family. He just needs to get through it, with a few extra unexpected obstacles along the way. That and accidentally falling in love.





	1. The Return to Hogwarts

Draco plastered a weak smile on his face as he climbed onto the Hogwarts express waving goodbye to his mother and ignoring the eyes glaring holes into his head. He was used to isolation from the wizarding community at this point. Those against Voldemort had enough to say about his families involvement whilst those with Voldemort had a lot to say about their betrayal. He was stuck in this grey area. He was pushed away from the good whilst also getting pushed away by the bad, he was the space in-between two negative batteries getting shoved together. He was there early enough to get a compartment to himself and waited idly for the train to leave. His mother wasn't going to stay to watch him leave, he didn't want her to endure the torment from those around her. Words being thrown at them both like tiny knives, each comment leaving tiny cuts and as a result leaving tiny individual scars. The more a slur was thrown at them the more it became ingrained in their minds as true. Draco to himself was a bastard traitor who didn't deserve to breath. You can't just switch sides at the end of a war and expect to be welcomed with open arms.

The train eventually left. It took long enough for him to be given some pretty grim looks but short enough for things not to be thrown at him. He didn't need a repeat of the Diagon Alley Incident. Spells had been thrown at them once someone had recognized them under their hoods, Narcissa ended up in St. Mungos whilst Draco was left with a nasty scar from getting cut by a rouge nail on a crate that he fell over. The culprits had been reprimanded but it didn't make them want to return anytime soon. Everywhere in the wizarding world was to much of a risk for two war traitors. 

The Scottish countryside was truly a sight to behold, the sun hit the hills just right and the few areas that had flowers shone a bright yellow. It was calming to someone who couldn't stop bouncing their legs and fidgeting.  
He was promised protection at Hogwarts, that he would be safe from any attacks. That protection didn't protect him from the verbal abuse though, harsh words punching him in the gut every couple of minutes. He was already considering skipping the opening feast, he could easily sneak down to the kitchens to grab something to eat if he was that desperate, he also had a stash of sweets he had hidden in his trunk. He knew that he couldn't camp out in the dorms all year either, he had to finish his exams and hopefully get a job that'll sustain a livable life. 

It was already decided that because of low numbers that the eighth year students would receive a separate dorm. Mixing all the houses together in an uneven blend. There was plenty more Ravenclaws than Slytherins, most pureblood parents sending their children to Beauxbatons or Durmstrang. The Gryffindors and Hufflepuffs were a pretty even split, both houses coming back for another year with friends instead of knowledge. Draco was terrified at at the pre-picked dorm choices, with the equipment list was the news that the person you were sharing a dorm with would be pre-picked out of a hat, which could go two bad ways for Draco. He could end up with a roommate that views him as a traitor because he sided with Voldemort or he could end up with a roommate that despised him because he went against Voldemort. Bringing him a year of sleepless nights or at least those with one eye wide open. Maybe the house elves would welcome him as a permanent resident in the kitchens, he could learn to cook and maybe nab himself a job at Hogwarts cooking, he wouldn't even need to be paid, he would just need lodging.

The train pulled into the station and the realization hit him that he could now see the dark yet beautiful creature that was a thestral. He clearly wasn't the only one as he could see others around him marveling at their cold beauty. He had already stood around too long and was left without an empty carriage he could take for himself. He knew he looked lost and vulnerable. He felt as if everyones eyes were suddenly on him, watching his every move, waiting for him to break down.

'Oi! Malfoy get in you git' It was Ron Weasley

The same Ron Weasley that Draco had bullied since first year. The same Ron Weasley that Draco was always insanely jealous of because Ron Weasley had a loving close-knit family whilst Draco rarely ate with his parents and when they did they were spread across a long table. The same Ron Weasley who was best friends with golden boy Harry Potter.

Draco got in the carriage.

'Thank you' Draco muttered  
'It's nothing' Ron replied hiding his smug smile

Ron was trying desperately not to enjoy the situation but oh how the table had turned. Draco Malfoy was below the upper hand and Ron was above it. Ron wasn't the bad guy, not by any stretch, but there was something rewarding about being better than your childhood bully. Ron was on the right side.

Draco didn't contribute to the golden trio's conversation. It didn't feel right to. He was never going to be one of them so he zoned out.

'So Draco how's life been since the attack?' asked Hermione, she wasn't trying to bring back bad memories but she was always too curious for her own good when it was something she wanted to know  
'Fine' Draco responded dryly   
'Mione leave him yeah? He's clearly tired and I doubt that's a pleasant memory' Harry intervened before Hermione could open her mouth again, Draco gave him a weak thank you smile in return.

Draco never thought he'd see the day were Harry Potter defended him, then again hero complex oozed out of him like blood spilling from a wound. As soon as they got to the castle Draco made sure to distance himself from the golden trio. He really didn't need people spreading crap about him using them as a shield, that was never going to be his intentions. He didn't attend the welcoming ceremony, he thought it over and a couple of hours roommate free would give him a chance to breath. 

He entered he eight years dorms to be greeted with a colorful common room, a fire already warming up the cosy room. There was displays of each house colors everywhere. The cushions on the chairs were evenly split in color, the four windows represented each house and there was a tapestry in front of the dorm entrance displaying the houses union perfectly. Draco took a second to take in the new environment, it was a stark contrast to the slytherin dorms which always felt dark and cold. He made his way over to the pin board looking for the dorm assignments. He looked down the alphabetical list to find his name. Beside it was Harry Potter.


	2. Prefect taunts

The dazzling common room suddenly became dull. Draco was sharing with the very person who had despised his guts from year one. Which in all fairness was his own fault, he was an asshole before he got dragged into the mess of the second wizarding war. It had changed him in a way that couldn't be retracted. He had tall titanium walls hiding himself from others, his heart protected by dozens of tiny soldiers keeping the hurt away. Nights were long and tedious, sleep wasn't as much as a comfort as it was before. Plagued with nightmares surrounding guilt and death. Physically he was weak and tired. A shell of a body that was once filled with a scared boy. The fear was much better than the numbness he felt now. The disregard for emotions leaving him empty. He was broken and he blamed himself.

He took himself up to the dorm, the bedspreads clearly shown who was meant to sleep where. Draco's was a deep emerald colour whilst Harry's was a crimson red. The room had a nice view of the school and a window that gave easy access to the roof. The sun was setting, the sky multiple shades of red, orange and yellow. Pink clouds cluttered the sky like candy floss. He threw open the lid of his trunk, raking through his clothes till he found the walkman he had bought with the muggle money he had earned working at a local coffee shop. His mother was unsure about the whole thing, the job and the walkman but they were the perfect escape. During the day he would work long shifts always offering to cover and at night he would blast music in his ears till his eyes would manage to become heavy. He would play soft music when he woke up shaking from a nightmare, letting it cradle him back into a calm state.

He placed the headphones on his head and laid back onto his bed. He stared at he ceiling as lyrics swirled through his brain, oceans of words crashing into the corners of his mind. It made the storms in his head clear up letting sun pour through. He got up and started to unpack his clothes which had become a crumpled mess in the bottom of his trunk. He had also acquired a few muggle novels which he had become deeply engrossed in over the summer period which had taken more priority over the amount of clothes he needed. Since his father had been locked way in Azkaban there was no longer rules against muggle things. His once choking hold on Draco was gone, even though i took him some time to get used to his new found freedom. 

Draco heard the door creak open, the sound he was dreading all night. A rats nest of black hair peeked through the crack which was slowly followed by golden boy Harry Potter.  
'I can try and ask McGonagall to change the arrangements if you're really bothered by this, it'll just be a bit of a hassle' Harry offered  
'No it's fine. Good to now my roommate isn't going to slaughter me in my sleep' Draco joked pulling the headphones from his ears  
'You sure? I'm not exactly a quiet sleeper' Harry pressed  
'if you have an issue by all means go ahead but I'm not completely mad at this arrangement, it could definitely be better but it's not the worst'

It could definitely be worse but this arrangement wasn't ideal either. Draco didn't want to bother anyone, he already felt like he didn't belong in a place he had grown up in and he didn't need the fact that he was bothering someone clouding his choices with even more guilt. Guilt that had built a skyscraper that overshadowed emotions that were worth having. Harry walked into the en suite (a welcomed perk of the eighth year dorms) and closed the door, shortly after Draco heard the shower slapping the floor with droplets of water. Like rain crashing onto the ground. Draco had grown to like the rain, the calmness of it lulling him back into a relaxed state.

He shut his trunk leaving the stash of sweets unopened in the hidden compartment. He was starving. He had barely eaten breakfast when he left that morning to be early enough to get a compartment to himself. He grabbed his shoes and shoved them on his feet before leaving the dorm and heading to the kitchens. It wasn't curfew yet so he could still be seen wandering the castle without getting hassle from the teachers, the prefects were a whole different story though. Some were clearly still hung up on Draco's past mistakes and when you have a vendetta that deep surrounding someone you don't care what you have to do to make their life a living hell.

'Shouldn't you go back to hiding in your dorm Malfoy?' the prefect teased 'Back home sounds much better though'  
Draco ignored him. Ignored his first instinct which was to whip out his wand and point it at the prefect's throat. He continued to walk the prefect following him, his eyes watching for him, waiting for him to snap.  
'How's daddy Draco? Oh that's right locked away, bastard he was'  
Draco didn't care about that statement, not even a little. His father had put him through hell and back, forced him into a situation which broke him.  
'How about mummy? How was she after dragon alley?' the prefect taunted a twisted grin on his face 'how about you Draco? All lonely and friendless. The once almighty slytherin prince has had a rather quick drop in popularity. Maybe if you weren't such a coward that battle could've been avoided. She wouldn't have died if you had come forward'  
'Who?' Draco asked  
'My sister, she was only in her 2nd year at Hogwarts. Now she's six feet under. She was twelve'  
'I'm sorry for your loss'  
'Are you Malfoy?' the prefect sneered 'Do you really give a damn? Or is this what you say to everyone that's lost someone. You will never know how it feels to lose someone. Not like that'

The prefect in a way was right, he'd never lost a sibling. He lost his father and his aunt in the war, two people he had grew to despise. Two people who left a sick feeling in the pit of his gut every time they felt the need to talk to him. He had lost someone in the war though, he had lost himself, which in ways was worse. He was trapped in his own thoughts, his body was a puppet controlled by guilt.

'I can't do anything now can I?" Draco muttered speeding up his pace  
'Why didn't you die? Why did you live whilst so many better than you died?" the prefect pressed  
'Ask death, though he hasn't given me an answer either. If you think that I think I deserved to survive, you're wrong but I'm no going to throw it away, no matter how much hell it is' 

The prefect left him after that. Maybe it was the icy tone of voice or the hurt creeping onto his face. Either way he got to the kitchens without bother after that, the halls were quite quiet after all. Most students retiring to their dorms after a night of rekindling friendships and hearty meals.

The good thing about the kitchen house elves was that they didn't snitch, which was perfect before otherwise Draco would be up all night whip growly stomach. He managed to nab a ham sandwich and some water, afterwards grabbing some leftover cake before walking back to the dorm. Slowly. He wasn't going to bother with a shower that night anyways, not unless he felt the need to cry later on. The shower would mask his choking sobs. 

He slipped through the common room and up to the dorm without getting noticed by any other vengeful students. Harry was sitting upright in his bed, the tales of beetle and bard in his hands. A common read for students that had been brought up by muggles. Draco grabbed some pajamas and headed into the now vacant bathroom. A strong smell of cinnamon flooded his nose as soon as he walked in, closing the door behind him. It must've been Harry's shampoo or shower gel because Draco hadn't gone near the bathroom with anything that strong scented, in fact he hadn't been in with anything scented at all. At least it was a comforting smell. He pulled on his pajamas and brushed his teeth, though now really messed up he did try and keep good hygiene. He would never go back to the week after the war where he spent he whole week in bed, barely eating and not getting a inch near a shower.

He fell onto his bed, covering his ears once again with headphones, knowing that once again it was going to be a long night.


	3. Late Night Conversations

It was late. Draco had no idea how late but he knew that the castle was asleep. Even over-excited first years couldn't be heard messing about. It was the dead hours of night that sat in eery silence. The moon shone through the cracks in the curtains shining across the ends of the two beds. Draco pulled his headphones from his head placing them on the bedside table a long with the walkman. He wished he hadn't depended on muggle alcohol so much on nights like these. He craved the burn in the back of his throat and the dazed trance his mind would end up in. Drunk, alone and numb. He craved ignorance, blissful stupidity because at least then he wouldn't be scared of his mistakes. Frightened that everything he did wrong was going to follow him to the grave. Six feet under.

Harry shuffled in his bed, still half-awake. He could hear Draco moving about. Unsettled  
'You can go to sleep, I'm not going to murder you'  
'Considering you used expelliarmus against you-know-who, I doubt you could kill a fly'  
Harry huffed 'Why are you awake then?'  
'Can't sleep' Draco mumbled  
'Why though?'  
'Guess it's been that way since the war, generally drink myself stupid and I pass out on nights like these'  
'what do you mean "like these"?'   
'Loud'  
Harry sighed, knowing full well what Draco meant.

Never in million years did either boys think they would be in this position. Rivals to roommates to 3am conversation havers. Draco had told Harry more than he had told anyone in seconds. He wouldn't let a word about it past his lips. Saying things made them real.Too real. If he kept them inside, yeah they would fester but at least he could pretend that they weren't real. That it was just his imagination. Harry seemed like a good person to unload on, he wouldn't be telling his friends about his recent conversations with the traitor of the wizarding community. Who would?

'I'll get Hermione to whip up a sleeping potion, say it's for me, it should help'  
'It's fine' Draco lied  
'Don't bullshit me Malfoy. Accept some goddamn help, you look like you need it'

He did. But it never made it easier to take it. Draco was never one for accepting help, for being weak. He was meant to fight his own battles, not cower like a coward, not anymore. Yet he still felt like the mouse scared in the corner of a small room, the walls slowly closing in on him. Barely able to let out more than a small squeak. Weak.

'How do you look so put together? You must be fucked after the war'  
'I have to put on a smile, god knows Ron lost more, so many lost more, I don't need sympathy. I've grown up with it' Harry replied  
'It's going to send you to an early grave'  
'Like you can talk Malfoy'  
'Well at least people would cheer when they found out I was dead' A grim smile spread across Draco's sunken features  
'You look like a zombie'  
'Can't disagree golden boy'  
'In all seriousness, you need to come to meals. You're thinner than I was growing up' Harry said sternly  
'I'm better going to the kitchens, I don't get holes glared into me then'  
'Sit with me. They can't say shit if you're with the boy who lived' Harry's voice held a fake cocky air to it by the end, he was the boy who lived and god knows he didn't fell anymore special  
'Doubt Weasley would be happy about that. I am a prat after all'  
'Ron can suck it up. He'll understand though. He can be an immature prick but he's been better since the war''  
'Fuck war' 

The boys went in and out of conversation. Each sentence not quite matching with the next at times. It was new and they were unsure on how to talk, how to act. They certainly weren't going to be friends overnight. Draco didn't think anyone would be his friend, never mind his school rival. Harry was a lot more friendly now, maybe if Draco hadn't been such a prick before the war they could've been friends. If Draco hadn't grown up so entitled he might've made friends that realized he was different, that got him help before he let the death eaters into Hogwarts. Friends that could've kept him safe but instead he stuck with the same small minded crowd and ended up getting a name that wasn't too great. He was the bully turned traitor and no one was surprised.

'Your not so bad Malfoy. Not now anyways. You were a prick growing up' Harry said his voice gruff from tiredness  
'Thanks, you aren't to bad yourself'  
'I was never bad' Harry joked  
'Nope you were always a saint, Potter'  
'And you were a ferret'

Draco gave a dry laugh before sitting up in his bed. The sun was beginning to rise, the sky bleeding from behind the landscape with warm colors. He wondered what it wold be like to be the sky. To see beauty as well as pain flood the Earth's humanity. He wondered what it was like to see life rise then tumble as death crawled closer to its victims. He wanted to know what the sky thought when he was making he biggest mistakes he could ever make.


End file.
